Tuesday, September 26, 2006

He Makes Me Happy

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by kayleecrockett<

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


I realized today that my being upset over Andrew really wasn't about Andrew. I took full stock of all the elements of our relationship and decided--- "Nah."

It's been a week since Tony dropped what I'll refer to as the "E-bomb" on me at Alfa's. I know now that my reaction was just a culmination of an already-stressful week. I was mad that Tony was being such an asshole, first of all. Second, it made me realize that I'm 25 and single, in a time when all my friends are "SO IN LOVE!" As happy as I am for them, it reinforces my own single status-- and I guess hearing this was the last straw for me.

I believe that Andrew and I loved eachother-- but I always thought there was something more out there for me. Something was always missing. Although he wanted to commit, it always made me feel antsy. Although I didn't have a clear picture of my future, I had a gut feeling that he was not what I was looking for.

But now, I'm free to find the guy I AM looking for. And being single has been lonely at times-- it's certainly the non-conformist lifestyle at my age-- it's suited me best. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I believe God has someone in mind for me.

I was going to contact him and get some "closure"--- but now I don't think that's necessary. It's bound to be an awkward, most likely humiliating experience. What is there to say, really? We've been estranged for eight months-- and for a good reason. We have nothing in common now that we're not dating.

My mom didn't marry my Dad until she was 29-- so why am I in such a rush? She had the patience to wait for him, and I'm going to cultivate the patience to wait for my own Mr. Right.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I'm not that girl

Andrew is getting married. Andrew, the guy who never wanted anything other than for me to love him back the way he loved me. The only one from my past who matters.

I ran into his best friend, Tony, at Alfa's tonight and he broke the story. Shocked does not begin to cover it! We've been broken up eight months-- how did he have time to fall in love and decide he wants to spend the rest of his life with some chick who lives in NY? Honestly.

What hurt the most is it seemed Tony was being a real asshole about it, trying to rub it in good. Just sticking up for his buddy-- after all, I did break up with him four times and break his heart. He probably thought this was his change to avenge our ravaged relationship history and twist the knife. It's not a hasty assumption to make, because Tony is the kind of guy who would do that.

I made it about 10 minutes through small talk about how GREAT Andrew is doing before I excused myself. I grabbed Catt and didn't make it to the door until I cracked. I stayed in the parking lot so Tony couldn't see me, but I know he knew what was going on. It took me awhile to calm down. Catt was WONDERFUL and just hugged me and listened and held my hand. It was embarrassing b/c I know Tony's going to call Andrew and be like, "Dude, I told Amee you're getting married and she freaked!"

I wasn't going to to go back in so that they wouldn't see my tear-stained face 45 minutes after the fact, but in the end I really NEEDED to wash my face b/c somehow I had poked my eye and I couldn't drive until I splashed some water on it. In fact, it still hurts for some reason. Then I went inside and did a Kryptonite shot with Catt, and we toasted to being positive and not hung up on assholes from our past.

The thing is, Andrew isn't an asshole. He never was. We loved eachother and the most intimate, incredible moments I've had in my relationship history were shared with him. He was the first man who showed me what real committment his, who I truly allowed myself to be vulnerable with. He was my best friend and my lover, even if I didn't give him the V-card. And I don't care if Tony tells him or if Andrew reads this, because I don't think Andrew ever knew that I DID love him back.

I broke up with him because I knew I loved him the night I called him last summer, and in three months, he hadn't said he loved me yet but was constantly trying to sleep with me. I was so hurt waiting for him to say it that I couldn't deal anymore with waiting. He was too sarcastic for me and socially, we were total opposites and this made us incompatible.

Although I'm BEYOND mortified that I found out this way, I'm a little relieved in some ways. When Tony tells Andrew that I was upset, Andrew will know that I truly did love him. I always felt horrible guilt because I felt he never understood that I did.

He's moved on, and now it's my turn.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Quite a sabbatical

I haven't posted since early April, mostly because I was getting more than frustrated with Blogger. I would begin a post, only to find that there was no way to form a paragraph. Even now, I cringe a little at the notion that this may still happen, and I have no idea how to modify that setting so it stops happening. Nope, still happens! I don't want my posts to be one amorphous blob, so I'm just not posting. It's just too painful. If I figure out how to make Blogger not SUCK, then I'll continue posting.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Bye, Bye, Love

I broke up with Michael. It's been a rough week, because he didn't take it well. He was essentially a good person, but his reactions only solified in my mind that my decision was correct.